releasing an old dream

I’ve always wanted to be a surfer chick.

Calm, cool, collected.  Mellow, zen, one with the ocean.  Sun-kissed skin, perfectly tan, wavy hair.  They were always so cool in movies and TV shows.  Watching them flow in the ocean made me want to try surfing so badly.

So I did.  I’ve been surfing for a total of 6 times in my life.  I believe I stood up on at least one wave each time.  It was a lot of fun, but it was also much more challenging than these surfer chicks made it look!

I have grown to realize – I wanted the image and persona more than I wanted the actual sport or lifestyle.  I am now releasing this old dream, because I have come to properly identify what I actually want in life.  I didn’t want to actually be out in the water.  Being out there made me pretty dizzy, and I swallowed way too much ocean water every single time.  What I truly wanted was to be one with nature and to flow with the waves of life.

Some wipe outs were pretty scary, and they weren’t even that “bad.”  I am aware that there are some personal surf inflation vests and belts for back up safety in case of a really big wipe out.  My greatest fear though, is hitting my head underwater, becoming unconscious, and therefore unable to activate the life-saving mechanism.  If they someday invent a vest that auto-inflates without any action needed from me, maybe I’ll get back out there.

The amount of time, effort, and practice it would take for me to become confident enough and proficient on my own in the water is too much risk for me.  I don’t trust myself enough to control my board in big crowds, and I also don’t want to be out there alone.

I realize that this is a step away from my usual attitude.  I try to be “go-getty” and pursue what I want in my life.  But I have come to think of this as a sign of maturity.  I have evaluated what the sport can offer me.  The risks that would be present with me now, as a beginner, if I continued to pursue it, are far too great for all the other things I enjoy.  I am prioritizing other things in life at the moment.  I am learning that I can accept and release things at different times in my life.  Releasing doesn’t mean quitting.  It means knowing and being confident in what is more important to me in this moment.

I actually feel relieved to release this old dream.  I used to put pressure on myself to get back out there, to never quit, to just keep going.  I feel at peace with myself now.  Not everything in this world is going to be for me, and that is okay!  This frees up time and energy for me to discover things that may better align with my soul.

What have you been holding on to?  Is it something you still ACTUALLY want?  If not, can you have the courage to gently release it?

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