dear men/leads: thank you ♥

This journey is continuing to mature and ripen. Wanted to capture my current thoughts after the best dance weekend ever! Specifically, I wanted to shout out and say a heart felt thank you to men/leads.

Good God. What y’all do. How y’all carry yourselves. How kind and patient you are with us women. Bless your hearts, truly.

I was at a class before a social and there weren’t enough leads, so I decided to jump to THE OTHER SIDE of the line *gulp* and try leading. I’ve been dancing Argentine tango for… dang, 3 months!… and figured it would be a good chance to challenge myself and try something new.

“Challenge” was right. Argentine tango is cool AND hard because THERE IS NO BASIC. I was very curious how my instructor was going to teach this class, because there are no counts! It’s not like salsa/bachata where there is a standard count. It’s just… and it’s amazingly… the Wild West. He ended up teaching a couple box steps, some forward/backward ochos, and a parada/sandwich. Which, now that I think about it, I suppose every dance does have its “basic” moves, even if it doesn’t have a basic “step.”

I’ve always respected and appreciated men. This sentiment only increased and deepened as I got into the dance world. And now that I’ve tried wearing their shoes?! Hands down, MEN ARE THE BETTER HALF OF HUMANITY. I swear my life on it.

I’ve always been the follow. Classes are fun because I don’t have to remember the pattern/sequence of steps. I just get to follow the men and what they lead me through. Socials are fun because I get to twirl around and enjoy the music. Competitions are fun because I trust my instructors and I get to, for better or for worse hahaha, see videos of my progress/lack thereof.

MEN DO AND ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN I CAN FATHOM. The weight they carry on their strong and broad shoulders. The responsibility they hold in their noble hearts. The duty they feel in their sharp minds. I love being a woman, but hot damn, I wonder what it’d be like to be a man, for even 1 hour or 1 day. Have you ever seen those videos of a baby elephant swinging their trunks around? Hahaha other than that, I don’t think I’d survive 1 minute of being a man in this world. I was made to be a follow, and thank heavens for that.

Leads in partner dancing are typically men. I’ve sometimes but rarely seen women do it. So I am going to address MEN in this post. AFTER I address the MORE IMPORTANT partner in dance, I will share my own experience trying on their MASSIVE shoes. And for your feminists out there, I’m not saying the woman’s role is unimportant. I am merely saying that men are FABULOUS and deserve to be ACKNOWLEDGED for the work and intention they GIFT us every moment on the dance floor.

Dear men/leads,

THANK YOU. I don’t even know where to begin. There’s so much I want to say and don’t have words for. But I will try my best to do you justice.

Thank you for showing up to dance class/socials/competitions at all. After I tried leading, I excitedly told my lead friends that it is SO HARD. I told them that they, by far, have the harder role to play. They laughed, put a solid hand on my shoulder, and said I/follows have the harder part. No! One gentleman told me, and I believe this is true now that I’ve been made aware of it, that a lot of break ups can happen over dancing. Ha! I think love can happen too, but I digress. It is so much easier and quicker for a woman to become a somewhat competent dancer than it is for a man. Men have a steeper learning curve. Because women get to just follow whatever the man is leading them through. Men have to learn the dance, AND learn what the woman is supposed to do, AND learn when to lead her through the next step! He’s essentially learning BOTH roles. The woman really only needs to learn her role. This gentleman shared that it is SO OBVIOUS when a woman has a look of disappointment on her face. I believe that. It takes major guts for a new man to show up to the dance scene, or a new style of dance! Especially if he is dancing with a somewhat- or very-experienced follow. The good follows should have a good and kind spirit toward him. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. This new man is trying to learn a new dance AND show the woman a good time. Sheesh-la-weesh, that’s a tall order! Or maybe men are better at handling pressure/expectations than I am.

Thank you for doing everything in your power to ensure that I am having a good time. They always ask if I’m having fun. Are you kidding me?! I’m having a blast! I hope you can see that on my face and in my smile/laughs/giggles. And in all the random sound effects I evidently make, a lot of which are “oops” or “ah crap” or apologizing for not feeling your lead. I say those things because I want to show YOU a good time! The whole reason I started private dance lessons was because I want to be a better follow for YOU! You’re always asking me if I’m enjoying, if I’m learning, if things are helpful. Umm, respectfully and emphatically – YES, SIR. Are YOU having fun too?! The sheer VOLUME of information you need to learn to make a 3-5 minute song interesting is astronomical to me. Like, yeah you could lead me through the same pattern repeatedly for the entire song. But you never do! You always show me so many different moves and combinations. You’re so creative! You very often guide me through things I didn’t even know that I could do. You expand my own self-concept and self-awareness. It’s an honor to dance with every single one of you gentlemen.

Thank you for keeping me safe and protecting me. The dance floor can be a chaotic place. Y’all’s brains are far superior to mine, frankly lol. I don’t know how in the hell you 1) know both our parts of the dance, 2) time it to signal me early enough for me to execute a move, 3) are somehow paying attention to me AND everyone else around us, 4) controlling your own body movements, 5) QUICKLY yanking me away from any danger. Like. How do you even function like that?! It’s like those videos of dads having rapid fast reaction times and saving their children from immediate danger. How do you do that?! I’m just focused on trying to be on the right foot and hit the right beat. You have INFINITELY MORE on your plate, AND you perform incredibly well. Hooooooow?!?!

Thank you for your grace and kindness. You’re always telling me, “it’s always the lead’s fault.” Ummmmmm, sir… NO. It is MY fault, factually and objectively, most of the time. Yet you keep showing up. You keep trying to guide me through a new move. You keep staying with me through a song (salsa) or through a tanda (3 songs in Argentine tango). You never give up on me. You encourage me to keep going. You give me random little tips that HELP and MAKE SENSE. I don’t think enough women vocalize enough appreciation for YOU. Here’s my tiny attempt at it. Actually, I don’t think women are even remotely aware of what you do and who you are.

Thank you for your maturity and understanding. A lot of coworkers have told me that they just want to slow down in life, enjoy a leisurely coffee with their kids/loved ones, and “just live.” There was a time where I could relate to that sentiment. I understand what they’re saying, and, I’m so grateful that I have slowed down enough to actually enjoy my life. I 100% attribute this new pace of life to dance, and to leads who constantly and KINDLY told me to slow down. Men are so much more kind and loving than we women are. Think about it. All my leads have repeatedly told me to slow down, relax, enjoy. They don’t say it in an annoying or pressured or expectant way. They literally just want us women to have fun?! If I think about this too deeply, it can make me cry. We don’t deserve men. Feminism makes my blood boil. Men are SO WONDERFUL and they aren’t told that often enough. Men seem to understand that things take time to develop and they’re able to keep their vision on the long term. They’re not perturbed by the current moment. Men just… are!

Thank you for your impeccable timing. Your brains seem to work differently with numbers and time. HOW ARE YOU NEVER RUSHED. How are you always on time AND relaxed?! How are you so… amazing?! It seems so effortless to you. The way you hear music + feel the beat + guide me through it + also time it so that I am hitting my moves at the right time. Like, what?! I feel like you are playing in PhD level calculus and I can barely count to 5. Whatever you’re doing, however you’re made, whatever your natural inclination is… it is so magical to witness and get to interact with for 3-5 minutes at a time.

Thank you for your solid frame. You’re just so… physically strong. Even if you aren’t CrossFit buff, you’re like… sheesh, you’re SOLID. You’re like mountains and rocks. You’re just… *shooomp*, you… ARE. I hope you heard/felt that sound effect. I am always working on being a lighter and more sensitive/responsive follow. I apologize for all the times I was a newbie and putting too much of my weight on you. Thank you for always encouraging me and holding yourself, let alone holding me. I have no idea what it must be like to be THAT strong. Like. You could utterly demolish me. But you’re in full control of it?! Wow. Thank you for your… I don’t quite know the word for this… thank you for your command of your immense physicality?! You’re somehow gentle AND strong?! It’s mind-boggling.

Thank you for YOUR smiles and laughs! I really wonder what your perspective looks like. I’ve seen posts of tall af men taking pictures of their short af significant others/friends and it is beyond comical to me that we can look like silly little midgets hahaha. Thank you for having fun and showing me that life isn’t that serious. I more often than not find myself cracking up at how hilarious you are.

Thank you for always leading me, even when I try to lead. When we were rotating partners, I excitedly told an older gentleman that I was leading. (I think he thought that I was the next follow to rotate to, but I said that to him as I was trying to walk to MY next follow.) He just took my hand and said, “not with me, you’re not.” That was SO HOT to me. It’s like… on a primal, natural, animalistic level, men just ARE men. Another gentleman gave me tips on leading better. He said he’s always counting the woman’s steps/count. So simple, so effective, so… selfless. When I tried leading salsa, I couldn’t remember the pattern and ended up watching the other leads as I was leading. I got so confused trying to do the lead/mirror, I guess I know enough now to the point that I am so accustomed to my own role. It was such a visceral RELIEF to go back to my rightful place in tango and salsa.

Sure I can try to learn the lead’s steps to better understand their perspective and to figure out how to be a better follow for them. The truth is – I will never know what it is like to be someone else. All I can do is try to be the best ME I can, and THAT is what will best serve everyone involved.

Fovever grateful and IN AWE OF YOU,

Niki

Okay, I had to address the VIP in the room first. Now let me share a bit of my experience leading, and why I felt compelled to write the above.

Leading is hard as hell.

Let me look back at the dates, for myself, and so that you have a bit of context…

12/10/23 started social dancing salsa/bachata
10/22/24 started private lessons to become a better follow at salsa/bachata
11/20/24 started learning rumba/cha cha
1/14/25 started Argentine tango

Actually… I have too many thoughts and I don’t want this to detract from the above sentiments about leading, so let me condense this to the top 10 things and give you absolutely zero context. This is just a time stamp on this life-long dance journey. In no particular order…

I used to think, relative to social songs, that competition heats were too short. Now I think Argentine tango tandas are the perfect *chef’s kiss* duration. I went to a salsa social and hot damn, those songs felt like a marathon. Too long. 3 minutes max, please!
I am very grateful that my first foray into the dance world was salsa socials. I utterly love the dance of Argentine tango. And. That scene can feel a bit… stuff, conservative, closed off. Epecially to a newbie. Now that I am (ever-so-slowly) breaking my way into the community, I can say I’ve met some of the coolest raddest people! And. The initial impression can still be a bit intimating. I am grateful for my stubborn (lol) and resilient nature. I WILL become a staple in this space, damnit!
I think I’ve matured enough to be able to witness and sense different personalities. It’s so much fun to stand back and just OBSERVE our species. At classes, socials, competitions, whatever… I feel like I’ve become more sensitive? I can tell and feel the difference between… the young/energetic/boisterous/machismo men… the quiet/confident/capable/mature men… the eager/out-of-control/excited women… the skilled/controlled/balanced women. When I first started, I honestly thought the loudest and most out-of-control couples taking up aaaaall the space on the social dance floor were the best dancers. Sweet baby girl… nope! The best dancers are the ones you might not even notice. They’re the ones who have full control of their bodies and who *CAN* take up *little* space *while* still connecting with each other.
We’re all wherever we are on the journey, in whatever context we are discussing. In the ballroom world I may not have a whole lot to show. But in the social world, I can out-Cuban-motion anyone on the average dance floor!
- Allow me to be petty for one moment. To the sensual bachateras – if your goal is to look sexy and curvy, may I offer a thought? You can stop throwing your back out in the name of Instagram. Get into a ballroom studio. Learn Cuban motion. I swear to you, correct mechanics not only look better/more curvaceous/less needy – they also FEEL BETTER. Proper movement honors your posture and body alignment. It feels so good when you do it correctly. Okay. That’s it. Bye.
  - Joking aside, this isn’t a judgement thing (though I truly despise sensual bachata). It’s a… an amazement and honoring of our incredible bodies! And how good it can feel to move in aligned ways! It breaks my heart seeing people injure themselves for no good reason. Why hurt your back, when you can learn to move well? Why shove your feet into not-foot-shaped shoes? Some people think LeBron James (link here) has ugly feet. I don’t see pretty/ugly… what I see is a completely idiotic shoe industry that failed him. I see unnecessary, illogical, disrespectful, and preventable pain. He’s already a legendary athlete. Can you imagine how much BETTER he’d be if his feet were tended to the way they deserved –> his knees were aligned –> his hips had their proper range –> his spine was moving in its full glory!? This is what I mean when I say I get upset at sensual bachata. Also why I can’t stay in pharmacy and why I am livid at infant male circumcision. Okay, tomes for another time. The body is perfect as is. Honor it!
Everything has something to teach you. I used to think Argentine tango cabaceos (an eye-contact look asking someone to dance) were super lame, conservative, old-school, cowardly. But I got used to them. And now I wish salsa socials had this! I was surprised at how useful this can become. You can connect with someone out of earshot. Salsa socials can be loud as hell. When you get asked to dance from across the room?! So cool.
You can choose what you focus on. “What has your attention holds your life.” (Been playing with Neville Goddard lately. Life-changing. Story… well, tomes!… for another time.) When I first started, I just wanted to look pretty and “win” the “popularity contest.” I wanted to be asked all the time and I wanted to be dancing every song. I wanted to make “the most” of every $15 admission. I forced myself to stay the entire night. Now? Ehhhhh haha. I stay as long as I want. I dance with who I want and say “no” when I don’t feel like connecting. I leave when I’ve had my fill… actually, I leave before I hit that point, because I know “burn out” is a real thing. I choose 1 or 2 technical things to focus on for the night. Most recently, I was putting my intention on active feet/not sliding around, and leading with my ribs. I got a lot of compliments that I’m a good dancer! I am also working on just accepting compliments and not rebutting them with the ol’ “I have a lot to work on” bullshit. We all always have a ton to work on.
We are who we are. Stop fighting it. And. CHOOSE who we “are”!!! LOL my instructor asked if I was going to write a blog about leading. I mean, I can’t NOT! I am compelled to! “Rise in consciousness TO THE NATURALNESS of the thing desired.” My buddy Goddard again. For me, right now, this is the most natural thing. I am working on imagining/feeling/visioning who I REALLY am, to the point that I just *naturally*, WITHOUT EFFORT, do those things. I am so excited to see who I become this summer and fall and beyond.
If you knew what I (barely) know, you’d be watching the MAN in dancing, NOT the woman. I’ve heard the phrase, “the woman is the art, the man is the frame.” Baloney! The woman only looks pretty BECAUSE OF THE MAN. Because of his presence. Because of his guidance. Because of his timing. Because of his sheer gravity. Twirls, spins, pretty hands, arm styling… ehh. I know I want to work on that stuff. And. MEN ARE THE KEY. Men are the treasure and the juice! Watch THEM!!! They are the foundation!
Connection is what matters the most. Yes, I want to improve my frame (especially my right arm!) so that I can hear what leads are trying to speak to me. And. I was shocked when I danced an Argentine tango with a man maybe in his 80s, and a salsa with a man who barely held my hands. I’m very thankful that Argentine tango taught me how to read his chest and body. You can feeeeeel where he wants you to go, what he wants you to do. If you’re really in tune with yourself, with the earth, with your partner… you don’t even need to be physically connected. That was so wild to experience and proves to me all the more that this imagination/visualization stuff works. Our bodies/senses hold wisdom *and* there is so much more in consciousness/existence than what we can see.
We are multi-faceted beings. I’m always shocked when I see a tango person at salsa or vice versa. I mean, aren’t I evidence enough that we can be in multiple boxes? Yet I’m still shocked when I meet a fellow health-care person in the dance world. We are who we are. And. We are so much MORE than we *currently* are.

nikiunleashed

unleashing my most authentic self, one moment at a time