TL;DR – sloooOOOoooOOOooow down, Niki. You have time.
Before I dive back into the dance scene on my home turf, I want to capture this reflection while things are still fresh and untouched, and before I clarify a bunch of questions with my home teachers. This is a snapshot of my current mindset/heartset. I got to travel for 35 nights for my 35th birthday. Really grateful and damn proud that I did this for myself!
Will try to keep this somewhat organized. All of these videos were already posted on my Instagram, as well as quick and dirty real-time thoughts/feelings. (It’s been weeks since some of these lessons and there was just so much information overall, I can’t remember all of the details. If you want the super fresh insights, check out my posts from day of while I was traveling. They’re at the top of my feed right now, but I’ll link them at the bottom of this blog for easy future access.) Now that my trip is done and I have all this experience, I want to revisit things with a more holistic perspective. Yes, I learned how to become a better dancer. But I also learned more about life. It amazes me how well these two things go hand in hand. As if they are the perfect dance partners. *ba da dum*
Like I said in my first dance post (here), there are different contexts for dancing: social dances, group classes, and private lessons. I did all three and will touch on them for each country/city I got to visit. Let’s go!
Of course I had a spreadsheet 🙂 Gotta live up to my nickname!
London, England
Social: Most social dances will have a lesson prior to dancing so that complete beginners will have SOMETHING to do at the dance. In San Diego, that opening lesson is always the same level. I started taking private lessons because I felt like I plateaued at those opening lessons. I was very pleasantly surprised to find that overseas, there are multiple levels of the opening lesson! This kept things fresh and exciting. And I could imagine it would help events retain repeat customers, because there will always be something new to learn. I had such a blast meeting different people, hearing different accents, and just seeing how big the world is. The leads were always kind and gracious. I got to take a friend to her first ever dance thing, and it was so fun to see her eyes light up as dots began to connect. Maybe I do want to be a teacher someday… hot damn that would be one hell of a learning curve to be able to reach that level… I tried cuban salsa and it is so different to dance in circles around each other. One of the opening lessons was also a circle where you keep dancing AS you rotate partners. You put your arm up to receive the next lead. Very fun and interesting to dance as a GROUP, not just as partners.
Private: Prior to my trip, I was told very briefly that there is a difference between American style and International style. I definitely did not remember this fact. I’m used to my home studios and my home instructors. Well, when baby bird flies the nest, she learns a thing or two! This first private lesson abroad was a bit of a shock. It was obviously my first time meeting this teacher and I learned very quickly how conservative Americans are. He took my hands and let me feel on his body how much he was moving. (For you non-dancers, this isn’t inappropriate at all. I’m just trying to convey how quickly things seemed to escalate. But they weren’t actually quick, that is just the normal thing over there, and it surprised me.) The way he explained the 2 lines of the body and how interconnected everything is helped me see things from a different angle. This entire trip was such an expansion of my heart, mind, body, and soul. I gained even more respect for dancers. How quickly, fluidly, and cleanly he moved was absolutely fascinating. He said that you can always have MORE action, MORE movement, it never hurts. Especially because any movement seems so small from a distance. So the more you can have, the better it will look. I hear ya and I agree sir, and, that’s a very tall order!
Life: It’s kind of like surfing… it looks so peaceful, so natural, so one-with-life. But my goodness, the yeeeears of training and fine tuning that go into that mastery! Dance is no different. Doing new things, going to new places, getting settled in new land… is just that. It’s just NEW, that’s all. New doesn’t mean wrong or scary. It’s okay for it to take time to adjust and get into the rhythm of things.
Glasgow and Edinburgh, Scotland
Social: It was so beautiful to see dance communities in different countries. Friends gathering and asking how their holidays went. Talking about hopes and dreams for the fresh new year. Seeing different levels of intimacy that I haven’t seen in America. Watching women dance with women like it’s nothing. Let me remember… yes, I even saw men dancing with men. Women and men asking each other to dance. What I will always remember about Scotland is how sweet everyone was. I’m only 5’1″ so technically everyone is “tall” to me, but the men here were REALLY tall. During the opening lesson, and at group classes, you rotate partners. Pairs of dancers are in a circle, you practice with each other for a bit, then you rotate. Usually the leads are the ones who move. In America (well, and everywhere else on this trip but Scotland hahaha), you high five your current partner, and then you rotate. The first time a tall Scottish man hugged me and didn’t high five me, I thought, well that’s nice. And then it kept happening. And I looked around the circle and realized that’s just the culture there! It built a sense of community and togetherness that I haven’t experienced elsewhere. I dig it.
Private: Unfortunately I didn’t get to do a private lesson in this country. I was there over the new year and obviously the hard working teachers deserve a break! I’ll have to go back sometime. So here’s a video of a social there.
Life: I truly have no idea what’s coming. A gentleman led me through 5 flashpoints (it’s a common move in salsa). I didn’t know that more than 1, let alone 5!, could exist together. Was a nice reminder that life can and WILL continue to surprise me. Keeps me on my toes.
Paris, France
Social: English is spoken in England and Scotland. It’s spoken in France too… but the lesson was taught in French. This was utterly hilarious to try to follow along when I had absolutely no idea what was being said. The teachers for the opening lesson were a married couple and the man was so animated. I didn’t need to know what the words meant for me to understand and feel his energy. This entire trip, I loved seeing how much we can communicate without words. His body language, tonality, and excitement conveyed the jokes. I learned to clearly say “hello” to every new dance partner, and they seemed to catch on that I don’t speak French lol. Some of them translated the instructions and jokes for me. Not speaking the language forced me to really FOLLOW, and that’s been the whole point of this dance journey – to learn how to play MY role WELL. It was a bit challenging because as the leads are learning, sometimes it helps to be able to speak with the follow and work out the kinks. But overall, this was a fun experience in having no other option but to follow. Dance and music really are the universal languages. The joy of dance IS worldwide.
Private: Oi vey. The teacher was super sweet and nice, but this was probably my worst dance lesson ever. That’s okay, it’s going to happen. I still didn’t remember that there is a difference between American and International and I felt frustrated that I wasn’t getting it. She gave me a very clear visual of running after a train. (I freaking love trains. I didn’t drive for over a month and it took me a second to remember how to do it. I wish America had better public transportation!) You don’t run with your feet first. Your body goes, and your feet are the last parts of you to move. I’ve been trying to remember to NOT lead with my feet, and this funny visual helped the concept stick.
Life: I want you to remember this running/body/feet visual when I get to Ireland. It’s so amazing and frustrating to be a beginner at something, because you hear so much conflicting information. Each piece may make sense in the moment, but then you hear something else that challenges it entirely. That’s true of life, too. The biggest lesson I learned this entire trip was probably that things are *just* different. There’s no good/bad/right/wrong/better/worse. They are what they are, and they are different from each other. It’s on ME to choose what I want. That feels like a heavy burden and big responsibility, but I’m trying to see it as the massive privilege of complete freedom that it truly is.
Belgium, Brussels
Social: Oh my fucking god I accidentally elbowed a man in the freaking face! I felt so bad, he was the sweetest cutest older gentleman. In France, most people spoke 2 languages. In Brussels, many people spoke 3 languages. During the opening lesson, this gentleman and I laughed about never knowing what language someone speaks here. And then during the social part of the evening, we danced a bachata. Well, regular/ballroom (?) bachata is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from sensual bachata. Like. I wish they didn’t even use the word “bachata” because they are so freaking different. I was doing what I am supposed to do in regular/ballroom bachata. But somehow it was NOT where my elbow was supposed to be during sensual bachata. And I elbowed this old man in the face! He was kind about it but I felt really bad. This social played maybe 10 bachata songs for every 2 salsa songs. In America, I’m used to them alternating every other song. I enjoy bachata… but not THIS much bachata, and not this much SENSUAL bachata. I tried to watch and learn what the other follows were doing. I couldn’t really tell how they know what to do or when to do it. The few sensual bachatas I did, I felt like the leads were just standing there looking at me expecting me to do super cool moves with my butt/hips/head/hair. I don’t like to point fingers and I like to take responsibility for my side of the street… but I swear, I did not freaking know what the hell they wanted from me. There were zero signals/cues. Oh, and I laughed every time someone said they liked MY accent! Didn’t know I have one, but I guess it’s all relative.
Group: I tried Lindy Hop for the first time. Such a fun dance, and energetic music! I really enjoyed syncing up with the lead before starting the dance. It was fun to learn about the history/evolution of this style. Took an African class and was amazed at the range and speed of motion possible. There’s so much MORE that humans can do! Communicating emotions can definitely be done without speaking the same language. Took a drum class and saw where I am rhythmically challenged. I reeeeeeally loved feeling the thump of the drums reverberate through my entire body. THAT is why I dance. For the feeeeling. Life moving through me as me in me.
Private: Really fun salsa on2 (lol) lesson. I cracked up every single time a teacher (and it was every single one of them!) told me some (slash multiple) iteration(s) of relax, slow down, breathe, don’t think. You’d think by now that I would *GET IT* but I clearly have much room to improve. This teacher helped me see that I was NOT following cross body leads! That’s a move where the lead invites the follow to go across his body. It’s so common that it’s just become a habit for me at this point. I thought that was a good thing, and to some extent it is, because it lets the dance evolve into other things. It’s also a not-so-good thing, because I WAS NOT FOLLOWING. I really had to hold the tension (video on that here) and (agonizingly lol) WAIT for wherever this dance was going next. A very valuable lesson.
Life: I want you to remember this frustration when I get to Spain. I’ve noticed that my relationship with uncertainty and mystery needs a bit of work and attention. Sometimes problems can be solved by learning a bit of information or getting a bit of exposure. When that’s the case, then it’s my choice to go get that experience if I want to improve. Other times, there isn’t a damn thing we can do in life about NOT KNOWING. I need to be okay with this sensation, too. At the end of the private lesson, I asked the teacher how long he had been teaching. I was surprised that he had only been at it for a few months! In my mind, I feel like I need to be a complete master at something to be “in integrity” when teaching someone. But this reminded me that there are people I can serve even at my current level. He wasn’t a gold medal Olympian. He was just ahead of me on the journey, and he had wisdom that I needed in the moment. I don’t need to be a PhD in xyz to serve people. I need to be confident in my abilities, humble/honest about the level that I’m currently at, and willing to truly serve people.
Amsterdam, Netherlands
Social: I. Do. Not. Like. Sensual. Bachata. I just accepted it and sat out those dances. I took that time to observe and try to learn something. I was so puzzled at why everyone was sticking their butts out! Like REALLY sticking their butts out. Like almost the same way Instagram models obviously contort their bodies to get a certain shape. In my private lessons at home, I’m learning how to have a stacked and proper posture, and it feels so good to honor the body. I was very confused at why sensual bachata seemed to be the complete opposite of everything I was learning. I want you to remember this when I get to Spain. It was interesting to be on the other side of the world and hear some of the same songs that I hear at home.
Private: This was another eye opener in terms of different schools of thought. I’m learning that one school of thought is that the feet move last. Another school of thought is that the feet/legs actually initiate all the motion. This teacher helped me see that dancing with the ground is critical. What I mean by that is I’m not only engaging with the lead – I am first and foremost dancing with the EARTH! The way I push into and off of the floor with the inside edge of my big toe makes a huge difference. I’ll touch more on this when I get to Ireland, but I think I prefer this school of thought.
Life: Everything is a dance. Sure the dance/song itself is obviously a dance. But so is the direction of the 1 hour lesson. You’re both communicating, seeing how things go, and adjusting accordingly. I’m learning how to apply this to bigger things as well. Life seasons/chapters. Weeks, months, years, decades. It’s all an unknown dance. I have some things I am responsible for, I have some wiggle room to play in, I have some space to express, I HAVE TIIIIIME to be in it… and, there are things that are completely out of my control. It’s going to be absolutely fine. It’s actually going to be absolutely BEAUTIFUL.
Madrid and Barcelona, Spain
Social: Y’all can party and I cannot hang hahaha. The socials here went until like 6am! No ma’am. I laughed every time I rushed to make it to the event on time… only to be reminded that Latin Time is as real as Filipino Time. Things do not start on time. I like that the event ticket also included a drink, because in America, the price of the ticket is just for the event itself. I didn’t want to drink so I had more ginger ales than I’ve ever had in my life. It was interesting to see the culture here. Yes people wanted to dance, but they were also there to socialize. It felt like a very laissez faire atmosphere. I felt vindicated when a gentleman at this social said that a lot of leads are just puppet masters or just manipulate/move the women instead of LEADING them through the dance. Yes!!! He understood my frustration with sensual bachata! And he led me through one that I actually enjoyed dancing!
Group: I ended up going to a sensual bachata conference because I wanted to give this style a fair shake before breaking up with it hahaha. I ended up buying my first pair of dance heels there! So that’s a win. I danced for 3 hours in those heels and made it out alive. By the 200th high five-rotate, I just felt over touched and over stimulated. No one was inappropriate. That style and that culture is just not the right fit for me. And like this earrings post (here), I can see how it’s okay for things to not be for me. There are other things that ARE for me! And finding a “no” is just as exciting as finding a “yes,” because I am clarifying myself along the way.
Private: My first private lesson was for sensual bachata. I was tired of being confused and in the dark so I decided to just learn a little bit about this style. Then I could make an informed decision about it. Remember the butt sticking out thing I said above? Weeeeell. That is intentional! Because your bodies are so close together, you don’t want your nether regions touching. SO YOU STICK YOUR BUTT OUT. Made total sense. And felt awful. I didn’t like being in that compromised posture for a song, let alone for a whole evening. I learned what moves the leads were wanting when they were staring at me with blank expressions lol. I cracked up when the teacher kept telling me to stick my butt out. And when he questioned why my hands were always in front of my body. All the things I was trained to do… kind of absolutely failed me in this style. Because they’re just different styles, with different standards/rules/parameters, and that’s okay! The bit of knowledge from this private went a long way, and gave me enough to confidently know that I flat out don’t like this style.
I also did a private lesson for Argentine tango. My first time ever doing this style. And like that *chef’s kiss* pair of earrings that was exactly ME and I felt it IMMEDIATELY… oh my GOD. This dance!!! THIS IS ME!!! I have been wanting to learn how to be a better follow. And as fun as salsa and bachata are… Argentine tango feels like the ultimate in lead/follow dynamics. Because you don’t use your hands/arms! It’s about watching the lead’s chest, or feeling it if you’re in an embrace. I loved learning the history of this dance and was cracking up with the teacher when I bitched about sensual bachata. We worked on the “basic” step… and worked a lot more on breaking the rules of that basic. So freaking fun! I’m grateful that she taught me the “hard” version initially, because she was right – everything after that felt so easy.
Putting this here because it flows the best… First tango social: I was a hot ass mess. Absolutely terrible. And I’m not being self deprecating, I was bad. And that’s OKAY. In hindsight, I enjoyed that experience. I haven’t felt that new or that inexperienced in a LONG time. It was comforting to know that I can live through that and not die. When I was being a very awkward turtle and sitting watching everyone, I observed how expressive feet can be. I had no idea that humans could move like that. A very sweet old man danced with me and had the kindest smile as I fumbled my way through four freaking songs. Four!!! Evidently that is the format for milongas (tango socials). I wanted to put him and the next gentleman out of their misery and just sit down, but they were both real gentlemen and stuck with me through the entire four-song-session. The second gentleman gave me some tips that helped. I learned that I really need to commit to what leg I am on. And unlike salsa/bachata where you kind of rely on your partner for help with balance (actually… I might be wrong about that too… let me add that to my list of questions…), in tango, you are responsible for your balance. Your connection/touch is supposed to have NO WEIGHT/tension. Sooo different from other styles. I have PLENTY of room to grow here. That’s a massive life lesson. Yes, others can support and witness you. But at the end of the day, you are responsible for your own life, your own balance, your own footwork.
Life: Things are different… and things are related. If I didn’t have all this salsa/bachata experience, then starting with Argentine tango would probably have been challenging. So in one way, other dances helped me. In another way, other dances presented habits that I need to unlearn for this style. There are no swaying hips. There is no listening for his hands/arms. THERE IS NO BASIC STEP (well, there is… but there isn’t). There are no rules. There is no tempo. It’s the wild west out here and I freaking LOVE IT. You’re literally DANCING with your partner!!! And I’m grateful that I took the time to clarify and discover that I am a “no” to sensual bachata. It gave me more bandwidth to be a “yes” to Argentine tango.
Dublin, Ireland
Social: Didn’t go. Or, the one I tried to attend did not exist. First time that website failed me.
Private: Whew goodness. I didn’t know my body could hit certain shapes or feel that much tension/resistance! Gained even MORE respect for professional dancers. Had no idea that my feet could go here, and then my knees point way over there, and my hips be waaay over there. And all of those tiiiiny details add up to the “shapely look.” It’s a lot of work!!! And at the end of my trip, it fiiiiiinally clicked that American and International ARE. DIFFERENT. Not better/worse, just different. This lesson I learned how to initiate movement from my heels. I had a really hard time keeping my legs straight, because it’s the complete opposite of everything I’ve been taught and been practicing up until this point. As new and unfamiliar as these mechanics were… I want to improve at them. They just make SENSE. Starting the movement from my hips… I mean, I can see the validity of it… but then I get confused because I now have to think up my body and wonder what to do with my ribs/arms, and think down my body for what to do with my legs/knees/feet. But starting a movement with my feet… everything upstream kind of just takes care of itself. I’m new at this, I don’t really know what I’m talking about or where I’m going to land with this. Just writing this down as a lil baby freshman, so I can lovingly look back and laugh at my sweet self a year or years from now. GAH but then, I can also see the validity of what the Paris lady said, where running after a train your feet are the last things to move. I don’t know!!! Just writing it all down. I will say that I agree with what this Dublin gentleman said. Dancing this way, my steps were much bigger and I was covering more ground because I was actually USING my legs.
Life: I don’t know. I don’t know a damn thing. I don’t know how to walk or how to dance. The more I learn, the more I see that I don’t know anything at all lol. But I am having a fun time dancing (haha) with this mess.
New York City, USA
Social: My first Argentine tango opening lesson before a practice hour/social. I was so tickled when the teacher was surprised it was only my 2nd time dancing this style, and when a gentleman said he could tell I was a dancer by the freedom in my walk. As frustrating as dance is and as much as I STILL need to slow the fuck down… I am proud and grateful that I HAVE made enough progress in slowing down and in following to have received those compliments. It was funny to be back in America where the connection/intimacy/holds are FAR APART. I mean, they aren’t actually far. But it’s like when you go on a cruise and adjust to the sway of the boat… and then you come home and are disoriented because your apartment ISN’T moving. I got used to the European holds. And now I was coming home to something *different.* I learned that the way you ask someone to dance at a milonga is totally different from the etiquette at salsa/bachata socials!!! My first milonga in Spain, I legit thought no one was asking me to dance because I was JUST SO DAMN BAD hahaha. But I learned that they WERE asking me to dance – I just didn’t know what the secret code was!!! Usually in Argentine tango, the partners are mirrors. Meaning the follow’s right foot moves with the lead’s left foot. This opening lesson, the teacher taught us something “weird” called a “cross” where it’s the opposite! The lead’s and follow’s right feet move together. It was really interesting to learn how to break rules so early on in this style. At first I resisted and wanted to just focus on getting a solid foundation… but playing and experimenting actually helped. There was more variety and it was refreshing. I was never bored. Switching back and forth between regular and cross was a lot of fun, and I felt proud and competent (lol) when she said I asked a good question about timing/syncopations during that transition. I remember learning Spanish in 2nd grade. Some parents were resistant to us learning, because we hardly knew English, why throw in another language? It was helpful to learn them together because I could draw parallels, and conjugating verbs in Spanish actually helped me understand English. I would want to expose my future kids to multiple things, not in an overwhelming way, but in a way to encourage them to see that life is an interconnected web.
Private: Absolute pleasure. The best way to end this trip. And dare I say, knowing full well that I will be making progress and eating these words shortly, that was my best dance video ever! I feel like that was the best following I ever did. A brand new style for me, a new teacher, moves I haven’t seen before. I took my sweet ass time, I somehow kept my balance, and I was smiling the whole time. It helped a lot that she was an incredibly clear lead and a kind and patient teacher. I appreciated her observation that I have a tendency to go forward, probably from all the salsa cross body leads. Sometimes it is hard to be aware of yourself, and outside perspective can be so helpful. She also made me laugh when she said that my “salsa feet” are a cute little thing I do. The feet expressions/posture are totally different for this style, just like how the hands are totally different for sensual bachata. Humans are fascinating. Combine all these different combinations, get completely different dances! It will be interesting to observe how dance continues to evolve over time as people get more and more creative with innovation and fusion.
Life: Sometimes we ARE getting what we want (others asking us to dance) but it doesn’t even register on our radar simply because we don’t KNOW the signals of its existence (they were 100% asking me to dance hahaha). As much as I am seeking information and skill development… at the end of the day, it’s about the people. How kind, how gracious, how honest, how raw can we be with each other. And a level deeper than that, as much as I am seeking connection with other humans and with my dance partner… it’s truly about how am *I* being in LIFE. Am I frustrated with and hard on myself, or am I being loving and kind as I learn something new. Am I expecting others to carry my weight, or am I being a responsible adult and maybe even helping others carry theirs. Am I trying to take and take and take from the moment, or am I letting it breathe and allowing it to unfold naturally. I am in charge of how I am in dance and in life.
If I had to sum up my trip, it would be this picture. Dance and life. Life and dance. Thank goodness for both. They’re the same damn thing. And I LOVE it.
Oh yeah, and dancing in heels is not that bad! I had built it up so much in my head. I love lacing up my lifters, my hiking boots, my winter boots. Now I get to love strapping on my heels. I wonder if/when I will go up in height and go to a stiletto, oh man lol. What else in life am I utterly WRONG about. 🙂
In closing and as always – sloooOOOoooOOOooow down, Niki. You have time.
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(Later on I will add the links to my Instagram captions from while I was traveling. They have the details of what actually stood out during the lessons. This blog was more of a big picture reflection after everything that happened.)
(8/28/25 – I’m tidying my electronic/online household. Some progress videos of Argentine since Europe.)
nikiunleashed 