nikiunleashed

I had my first dance performance yesterday.  It felt less “big” than the team match.  Still, I learned a lot, and want to capture this while it’s fresh.

We learned the choreography the night before my team match event.  I wasn’t going to go.  I also wasn’t going to perform at the social a week later.  Seems to be a common theme in my life.  “I wasn’t going to ___.  I’m so glad I did!”  I could stop this blog right here and that would be enough.  I want to keep writing though, so here goes.  Going to organize this post a bit differently, as this life experience happened over the span of one week, not over a few hours.

I thought I should be responsible and get adequate rest before the team match.  I thought I should have left on time when the choreography/rehearsal/workshop ended late.  Boy oh boy, am I glad I stayed.  Some self awareness and life lessons gained throughout the overall experience…

• I get bits and pieces.  Connecting the dots sometimes takes a minute.  At rehearsal, I would understand a few 8 counts at a time.  They made sense to me.  When it came to linking them together, for the life of me!, I just could NOT remember what we did!  Kind of like linking turns while snowboarding.  I can do it on accident and it scares the living bejesus out of me.  When I try to intentionally link turns, I fumble.  Throughout the week, I would play the song and run the routine in my head.  One night I watched the choreo video several times and was frustrated that I still wasn’t getting it.  Put it down for a while.  A couple days later, I was shocked that all of a sudden, things clicked.  I could link the segments that previously seemed disconnected.  Playing the song over and over in the car became fun, because I got to envision myself doing the routine.
• I often… hm, always?!… get more than what I came for.  I also get *different* than what I came for.  I thought I was just going to hang out with a fun community and learn a dance routine.  My instructor also had us do a few mental health exercises.  This timing could not have been more perfect right before my team match!  I’ve been into personal development and spirituality for a long while.  I have NEVER heard of this acronym prior to this rehearsal/workshop.  This was probably my biggest take away from the overall experience.
  • Eat your GRAPES daily.  My instructor had a spreadsheet (I love a good spreadsheet!) of each of these letters laid out Monday-Sunday.  Surprise surprise, dance checked the box for every single one of these categories.  No wonder I have very quickly and thoroughly fallen in love with it.
    • G – Gentle.  I can be critical of myself and expect a lot.  My jaw hit the ground when I realized that I am  quite harsh with myself.  My heart broke a little bit, knowing how I have been treating myself.  I thought that pushing myself was the way to grow.  I don’t need to swing the pendulum all the way to the other side and coddle/baby myself.  But I also have a tooon of room to grow in giving myself grace.  Driving home from that workshop, I started practicing holding myself gently.  It felt like a warm, tight hug.  I can see how this entire acronym, if practiced regularly, can change everything.  Dancing gives me so many opportunities to treat myself gently.
    • R – Relaxation.  Life can be so busy.  A mentor once told me that I don’t need to rewire my relationship to work, but I need to rewire my relationship to REST.  That hit like a ton of bricks.  I have been working since I was… hm, a sophomore in high school.  Sure there were summer breaks, but I was working.  Sure there was a break after grad school graduation, but moving and studying for board exams is hardly a break.  Learning how to REST is hard work!  My Oura ring shows me when I am stressed, engaged, relaxed, and restored.  While dancing is physical exertion, I also feel very relaxed doing it.  As if my body and soul were literally MADE for this activity.
    • A – Accomplishments.  Do something that makes you proud.  Even if it’s making time to eat your daily GRAPES!  While my critical eye is always on the look out for the next level, dancing makes me feel incredibly accomplished when I nail a new move, start playing with a new mechanic, or get compliments from strangers that I am a good follow.  I also feel accomplished that I show up at all and just do the damn thing.
    • P – Pleasure.  Life is for growth and evolution, sure.  But I also think life is to just be friggin’ lived and ENJOYED.  Dance is flat out pleasurable.
    • E – Exercise.  We’re made to move.  Dance is the most fun movement I have found.
    • S – Socializing.  We’re social creatures and we need each other.  Private lessons, group classes, or socials, dancing is such a fun way to connect with others.  I have finally found the community I have always wanted.  We may not have deep talks or be besties, but it’s so nice to walk into a place, recognize familiar faces, and cheer each other on doing an activity we all feel passionate about.  Like, we’re all adults, and we’re all choosing to spend our time and our money on THIS?!  How cool.
  • Self Love Affirmations.  Toward the end of the workshop, my instructor shared some of her favorite affirmations.  Again, the timing of this could not have been more perfect.  I definitely needed to hear these things right before my team match.
    • I am loved.
    • I am free.
    • I don’t need to be like them.
    • I just need to be like me.

The next day I had my team match and wrote about it here.  Since then I have learned a LIFE ALTERING MECHANIC from my instructor.  Like, it changed absolutely everything.  Gently speaking to myself, yes I am proud that I did the team match.  And I can lovingly say – those videos are now trash hahaha.  For where I was at the time, they were pretty good.  Now knowing what I know and doing what I can do, I can see that that sweet lil Niki dancing baby could barely walk lol, let alone “dance.”

The performance itself was fun.  I had a blast backstage practicing with the crew.  I bonded with us first-timers and we gassed each other up, proud that we were even doing this when we easily could have weaseled out of it.  That dance community is just so damn enjoyable and supportive, I couldn’t NOT take this opportunity.  Some general observations:

• I thought I would be more nervous, but there was safety in numbers.  It felt very different from team match.  Sure there were other couples on the dance floor, but the audience could see “only” my instructor and me if they really wanted to.  At the performance, there were maybe 20 of us on the dance floor.  I know that the audience could look at just me if they wanted to.  But for some reason, being in a group felt less daunting than being partnered up.
• Lighting matters more than I thought it would.  It was really dark in the studio.  There was enough light to see us, but I couldn’t really see the audience.  I remember acting in high school and being surprised that I was pretty much blinded while on stage.  In some ways, that’s a disadvantage, because I want to see how others are feeling/sensing me.  In other ways, that’s a blessing, because it kind of doesn’t matter how others perceive me.  I still need to do my best.  And like in “The Four Agreements,” one of my favorite books, I can’t take things personally.  Insults AND compliments are more about the other person’s perception of the world and than they are about me.
• Smiling is very very very awkward!  Team match was easy and fun because I was enjoying dancing with my instructors.  I enjoyed the performance too.  But there wasn’t… someone I was interacting with?  I was just dancing in front of an audience.  And I couldn’t really see the audience.  Even if I could, I was moving around so much that it would have been hard to make eye contact with someone long enough to connect with them.  This gave me even more respect for performers.  How they can emote with small and large crowds, still perform the actual performance, and not look super awkward while doing it.

I’m grateful for my past reflection and proud to say that I did implement the “Things I Would Do Differently Next Time” from team match.

• Moving before the first step was helpful.  Granted, this wasn’t a partner dance, so there was no one I had to sync up with.  But syncing up with the lyrics was much easier when I was in constant motion.
• Reviewing the tape during the rehearsals was extremely helpful.  At team match, I thought I was swaying my hips, but I WAS A COMPLETELY FLAT AND BORING AF BRICK LOL.  At this dance performance, I was playing with a new mechanic from my instructor.  It made a difference!  And I still had a lot more range of motion to explore.  Reviewing the tape backstage helped me see that I could push more while performing.

Team match and the performance were lovely mile markers on this dance journey.  I’ve been digging into what dance REALLY means for and to me.  I want to take a snapshot of my current mindset.  And I’m willing to share it with you here.

The timing of when I found private lessons and group classes is very interesting, especially relative to what’s happening with my work, wanting to find purpose, and knowing I am here to somehow make an impact.  I’m still figuring this out.  I do know this much at this point in time:

• As someone who loves the outdoors, I thought I didn’t enjoy work because it’s indoors and under terrible fluorescent lighting.  Well, dance studios are indoors and have fluorescent lighting too.  So I can safely eliminate that variable!
• I now have a visceral sense of soul sucking versus feeling tired and needing a break.  Soul sucking feels miserable, like utter death, and like a complete waste of this beautiful life.  It is draining and exhausting in ways that I cannot put into words.  I’m so inspired by people I’ve met who’ve changed their lives for their passions.  It helps me see that it is possible!  Feeling tired is just that – feeling tired.  I had to look at my Google calendar, and there was a decent chunk of time where I was dancing 3-5 hours a day for 5-6 days a week.  My body was tired, but I felt very alive.  I just needed a snack and maybe a short nap, and then I was good to go again.  I wanted MORE.  I found myself excitedly driving to studios hungry to improve.  Unlike soul sucking things where I would have to drag myself to do things, things that I love and that I sometimes feel tired for are completely worth it.  I also acknowledge from other sports that I won’t always feel happy about dancing.  I’m sure there will be times that I just won’t want to do it.  But the overall drive and passion keep things moving right along, even if my momentary mood doesn’t necessarily match how much I love the activity.
• Things cost time and money.  Or things cost time OR money.  I don’t have unlimited time.  I can always make more money.  I am thankful for a “good career” and a “decent paycheck” that allows me to live a “comfortable life.”  Will discover what that might mean moving forward.  For now, I am very grateful for the ability to do as I please with my time and money.  Sure I could watch a bunch of YouTubes, muscle my way through group classes, and learn on the fly at socials.  But the Achiever Enneagram 3 in me who values efficiency, accuracy, and achievement reeeally loves cutting through the bullshit quickly, nipping bad habits in the bud, and building a solid foundation at private lessons.  Yes, they cost money.  And overall, they save me time.  Which is my only nonrenewable resource.

Current Wonderings

• I don’t think I have what it takes to be a professional dancer.  If I did, it would take a lot of time and work that I don’t see myself wanting to commit to.  I do want to keep dancing.  What is even available?  Can regular ol’ civilians compete?  Something that’s somehow… more… than team match.  Maybe 1 notch bigger, or more official, or more competitive?  I don’t even know what I don’t know.  I get to go find out.
• Other dancing contexts.  What socials are available?  Rumba has become my favorite style.  Why aren’t there socials just for rumba!?  If fancy schmancy bachata gets its own limelight, I think rumba should too!

Wish List.  I’m learning how to rest, and how to dream.  Yes, take action on those dreams.  And, can I even DREAM, big?!  If I had things absolutely exactly how I wanted them, this is what I would want…

• This might be a pipe dream but what I want is to dance only with solid leads.  Yes, I know we’re all learning.  Yes, I know we’re all walking each other home.  Yes, I know we’re all at different stages.  Yes, I know people have helped me out along the way and I have helped people out along the way.  And if I am being “selfish” and claiming/stating EXACTLY what I want – it’s to socially dance with professionals.  They probably want to dance with other professionals.  I mean, would a black belt jiu jitsu master want to wrestle with a white belt?  Probably not.  It would be, in my mind, a very generous act for professionals to socially indulge me.  But damn, it’s what I want!

• I added this to my dating profile a while ago.  I’m going to delete the apps (again lol.  They’re utterly soul sucking!  I can discern the difference now!), but I screenshotted this to add to my memory banks.  When I wrote it, I genuinely wanted to dance in the kitchen with my future husband and kids.  I’ve always loved dance.  But dance means so much more to me now.  Yes, bopping around and singing/screaming to music is a blast.  And, dance now means moving well.  Honoring the body’s shape and mechanics and structure.  Connecting all the body parts and letting ’em do their thang!  I’m not saying to be restrictive about it, but rather, to find the freedom in the structure of what we naturally already are.  It’s so much fun to learn and improve on what the body can DO!  Now my scary-to-admit-because-it-feels-too-tender-and-vulnerable wish is to daaance with my husband.  I mean like, reeeally DANCE.  Flow.  Be in sync.  Create the experience as we go.  Dance in the kitchen.  Dance in the car.  Dance in the aisles at the grocery store.  Dance on hikes without falling off the trail.  Dance at the beach.  Dance in our tent.  Dance in the bedroom.  Not like jackhammers (hahaha oh man, that observation is another story), but with the finesse, maturity, and elegance of deeply attuned lovers.  Flat out – I want to *daaance* with my husband.  Lay my head on his chest.  Look him in the eye.  Let myself be seen by him.  And then to think about being pregnant and a vessel for life, dancing with our children in my womb between us, and then dancing with them Earthside and shepherding them as they learn to move their bodies.  Aaah I find myself squealing and kicking my feet in the air letting myself dream this!
• People are just living their lives.  Everyone is just doing the best they can with what they have.  There is immense grace and peace in accepting this fact.  I want to reach a level of having so much equanimity that this is just my baseline state.  I get to touch on this periodically, but it doesn’t last very long.  I notice that after retreats or other intense bonding experiences, I catch myself wanting to be besties and keep in touch with people.  It’s sweet and innocent, but not always feasible or even desirable.  We are all just out here in these streets living our lives.  We’re at different chapters at different times.  We may overlap for a moment or a month or a lifetime.  Even within those relationships that last a lifetime, there may be moments of intimate closeness and moments of spacious distance.  I want to be able to always be present.  Which is an oxymoron, because how can I *always* be any one thing?  I’m always moving and changing!  Which is itself a constant.  Okay, I’ll stop now haha.
• I want to BE ME.  Whatever that means.  I don’t want to try to be like other people anymore.  I have a gut feeling that this isn’t necessarily something I have to go *out* and discover or find… this is something that I need to be brave enough to go inward, claim as my honest truth, and restructure my entire life around.
• I want to move WELL. I don’t even fully know what this means yet. Learning to engage just my ribs and lats even a tiny bit more has changed everything. To the point that I am now obsessed with making this second nature, and wanting to ignore arm styling for now. I’m sure I will look back and chuckle at this. This is probably one tiny part of a massive picture. How do the arms fit in? Neck? Facial expressions? Gracefully moving my hair out of my face? Knees? A bunch of other stuff I wouldn’t think would impact dancing?

… and if I am being honest and self aware.  I don’t know what I want!  Just like how I don’t know who I am until I am in the arena doing the thing.  This may sound strange… I enjoy finding out that I am WRONG.  I love learning, course correcting, and becoming more and more authentic.  I’m not at all surprised that this is the longest section of this blog.

• I thought having a shared love for travel and the outdoors were the most important interests (not values!) in dating.  I was wrong.  I now think that dancing – the sport, and the life philosophy – actually are VALUES I seek in a partner.  Kind of like how surfers see surfing as a spiritual experience.  Dancing is similar yet distinct.
• The animal brain in me is always seeking safety.  Which is an illusion.  Still, I want to know the exact game plan, how I will get there, when it will happen.  I am really grateful that I did team match and a performance in the same week.  I thought that having a choreographed routine would be more… relaxing?  It was actually quite stressful, because I wanted to do it perfectly!  In life, I want to know all the answers.  I want to know when and where I will meet my husband.  I want to know what impact I am here to make.  I want to know how I am to be a vessel for currency/money, to serve, and to pay for all this dancing lol.  But like choreography – if I had all the answers laid out in front me of me, I would NOT enjoy it!!!  It pains me to admit, but what I enjoy most is, *gulp*, The Unknown.  I utterly love being a follow.  I thought it would be stressful not knowing All The Possible Moves A Lead Could Throw At Me.  But it’s so much fun to be in the moment and figuring it out together.  Literally dancing, together!  I find following to be way more natural and relaxing than prescribed choreography.  I enjoy tapping into the pulse of life itself and of the dance, and being in the beat.  I never thought I would say that.  Meaning, I thought it would always be an idea that I strive for and aspire to but never quite reach.  I never thought I would be able to say it honestly and with a clear conscience.  I think I will feel safer and more held with a tight travel itinerary. But all of my most memorable travel stories have happened because I let myself breathe, listen to the whispers, and just see where life’s hand was guiding me. Flying to another country without knowing where I would sleep that night was such a thrill. It always effortlessly ended up better than I could have effortfully planned myself. I genuinely love following leads!
• I’ve already been told that I am wrong about how professionals see dancing with whatever-level-slash-name-I-am.  It sounds like they take so much ownership for their leading.  Their signals, their timing, their connection.  I don’t like the idea of “it’s always the lead’s fault,” but I do like the idea of everything in my life is my responsibility.  Maybe at that caliber, there is an ownership that I have absolutely no idea about.  Maybe like my studio’s manager said, they see dancing with lil ol’ white belt me as an opportunity to improve their own craft.  Which I would love, because that’s how I see it for myself!  With a heaping dose of gratitude for their graciousness.
• I think joy and excitement are not enough.  Well, I sometimes don’t see a purpose for them.  Or, I haven’t figured out a purpose for them.  I don’t know yet, this is a very messy and in-the-middle-of-it process.
  • Over the years I’ve been told by several people that I have an enthusiasm for life that is inspiring and life giving.  On one hand… awesome!  Thank you for the compliment!  It truly nourishes me to know that I am somehow causing ripples in someone else’s life.
    • I will always remember my Uber driver from when I got home from South America.  We were just talking, like I usually do with strangers.  I felt so touched when he shared that he made a video about our interaction.  I mean, I don’t engage with people expecting anything in return.  But we never get to know how we affect others.  In this case, I DID get to see a glimpse of how I impacted him.  And even with the precious gift of this video, I’ll never know what his internal experience was like.  Humaning is such a wild ride!
  • … on the other hand.  How do I “make a living” off of “joy and excitement”?  I know how to make money in a soul sucking way.  How do I provide for myself in a… soul nourishing way?  I should add this to the wish list above.  How do I get paid to do what I want to do (dance) when I want to do it (very often, daily honestly) for as long as I want to do it (until I am exhausted lol)?
• I don’t currently think that I’d make a good “life coach.”  It’s such a big industry.  I’ve had good and bad experiences in it.  The good ones were nice, and the bad ones were enough of a turn off for me to NEVER want to inadvertently give someone a “bad” experience.  I’ve been told that I give good advice and see life through a deep and interesting lens.  I don’t know where I will go with this.  But I know what I don’t want, and that’s a start.  “The Fifth Agreement” (“Be Skeptical, But Learn to Listen”) is the perfect guardrail against the aforementioned book.  I am learning to be skeptical of and to question myself, while also trusting what I feel/sense/hear and trusting my muscle memory.  Maybe I am wrong about being a life coach or somehow serving in this capacity.  There is a better fit and different name/title that I am seeking.
• I don’t think I want to be a dance instructor.  If my students are males, they’re likely going to want to lead.  Which means I would need to teach them to lead me.  Which means I would need to know how to lead in order to teach them how to lead.  I don’t really care to learn how to lead.  But maybe I will be singing a different tune in 3 or 6 or 12 months.  I do enjoy teaching students and patients at work.  I’ve been told that I explain things well and break things down in a way that others don’t.  Whenever I do feel jaded about my profession, I notice that volunteering at health fairs and seeing bright-eyed students working hard and being excited gives me a pep in my step again.  Maybe I would enjoy sharing the love of dance, fanning the kindling of newbie flames, and encouraging others along their own dance journeys.  At this rate, things are changing so rapidly.  I saw a video from a mere week ago and I don’t even recognize what I was doing or why I was doing it that way hahaha.  Who knows what will happen in a day or a week, let alone a year.
• A lot of things I learn “ruin” previous things.  It makes for a good laugh.  What it’s really teaching me is that it’s okay for things to be different.  Blue is not red is not yellow.  X is not Y.  X and Y can be related and have some overlap, but they are NOT the same things.  Social dancing serves a completely different purpose than private lessons.  A team match is totally different from a choreographed performance.  A beginner civilian couldn’t be more different from a seasoned professional.  I want things to be perfect and exactly how I want them to be.  This is such a cliche, but I am seeing that there truly is perfection in the “imperfection.”  Everything is teaching me exactly what I need to learn when I need to/am ready to learn it.  Heavy leads teach me different things than light leads.  Challenging relationships and cohesive relationships teach me different things.  Wins teach me different things than losses do. Hip hop is not line dancing is not ballroom. Distinctions are beautiful and necessary. Men are not women and women are not men. (Here’s a little love note to men!) I am grateful to start seeing this with dance too. To stop expecting any one thing to fulfill all my desires.
• I actively avoid being awkward/cringey, but what I enjoy the most is quickly cringing at my old self.  Maybe cringe is not the right word.  I want to be perceived as good, as competent, as proficient.  But every time I reach a new level, I feel proud and accomplished.  I can see that my efforts are paying off and that I am growing.  To be clear, I don’t mean that I am judgemental of my past self.  Rather, that I am leveling up at a pleasing pace.  I also know that I will eventually plateau and have to break through that.  For now, I am thoroughly enjoying the honeymoon phase of being a beginner.

As much as I love dancing, what I think I love *most* about dancing, is that it isn’t about dancing at all.  I love that dance is a thing I get to do in life, and an arena in which Life Force Itself gets to be expressed through me.

I don’t know where I’m going from here.  I don’t know where the next step is going to lead me.  I don’t think I want a choreographed Five Year Plan.  The TL;DR version of this entire post and journey thus far is this – slowing tf down, being sensitive enough to hear and execute on the signals from my leads, and laughing at myself has led to more joy, growth, and transformation than any book or course I have ever consumed.  It’s time to start relating to Life’s signals in the same way.