just the juice

Sharp, and still soft.
Solid, and still agile.
Ancient, and still vibrant.

My website turns 4 years old today. I’m celebrating by reflecting.

(Also just want to document this here for longevity’s sake: Facebook and Instagram were down today. I made a Twitter years ago just to claim my name, but I don’t use it. I logged on to see what that world is like. It’s quite comical and a little bit sad how reliant on the internet humans have become. And yes, I am fully aware that I am sharing these words on the internet,)

Looking back at my old posts…

Day 1 “just start!”
Year 1 “keep showing up”
Year 2 “finding my balance”
Year 3 “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose”

… it is eye-opening to observe how much and how little I have shifted over the years. That’s exactly what one of my tattoos represents: the constants and the changes in life.

There was a time when I was frustrated that social media seemed to (and still does, I think) only show the highlight reel of our lives. Everyone is figuring it out as they go, but everyone feels alone in the process because it appears that everyone else has all the answers. I didn’t like it, so I did what I could to change it and to embody a world I WANTED to see. I shared my process publicly. I championed my highs, I voiced my lows, and I intentionally highlighted everything in between. I knew I couldn’t be the only person feeling the way I was feeling. And even though no one else was doing what I was doing, I wanted to contribute to helping other people feel NOT alone. Even if I didn’t get likes, even if I didn’t get comments, even if I had no idea what ripple effects I was actually causing.

Through the years, people would randomly share that I’ve touched their lives and that they enjoy seeing my journey. Their kind words were sweet and I felt them in my heart.

And.

It is interesting to feel the pendulum now swing in the other direction. I observe that I no longer have the desire to share my process or my journey online. It isn’t that I don’t value the in-between times… it’s that I value them SO MUCH that I am choosing to hold them sacred. I only want to share my inner wrestling with the people closest to me who have proven themselves worthy of hearing my stories. At this point in time, I feel the pull to do, surprisingly, the exact OPPOSITE of what I have always done.

I only want to share the highlights, the big kahunas, the “finished” products. In reality, nothing is ever finished, because I am always growing. Before, it felt like I wanted people to understand me and all my depth. So I felt the need to give all the context, set up all the backstory, provide all the foundation in order for the “punchline” to make sense. I realized that I don’t exist in this universe to be an educator. I highly respect and admire anyone who feels that calling in life… and… that just isn’t for me. I don’t need to lay groundwork or confirm comprehension. I don’t need to worry about the foreplay (advanced and nuanced topic, one I will cover someday), the disclaimers, the announcements, or even the preparation.

I am here to dive right in and share the spiciest, ripest, boldest truths bubbling up inside me. I am here to go for the kill, to take the big leap, to finally say the thing that no one else is saying or thinking. I don’t need to prime the pump. I can just let my juice ooze into the world.


One thought on “just the juice

  1. Congratulations Niki. Have enjoyed following you on this journey.

    raj

    Rajul A. Patel, PharmD, PhD
    Professor: Department of Pharmacy Practice
    University of the Pacific
    Thomas J. Long School of Pharmacy

    3601 Pacific Avenue
    Stockton, CA 95211
    Office: (209) 946-3151
    Fax: (209) 946-2402

    Like

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