chasing DEATH

until i saw this memory, i forgot i started crossfit 7 years ago! day 1; years 1-5; switched to olympic lifting; year 6 photo out of habit ☠️➡️ now? with my elbow recovery & the pandemic, this is the 1st year i DON’T belong to a box. year 7, my gym is the beach. i think about & cherish DEATH a lot these days ☠️🧡

i thought femininity was weak. then i thought “queen’s code” was a powerful way to honor it. then i heard just yesterday that, sure, it is still a transformative idea, but… ☠️➡️ now? i’m exploring a new, deeper, eeeven more powerful way to FULLY embody my feminine energy

i said that i only believe in “during” photos, because there is no “before”/”after,” because i’m not done growing ’til i’m dead… ☠️➡️ now? i CHASE the idea of death

i was motivated by this ol’ favorite art. i wanted to live my life such that i’ll be proud & READY to die, because i’ll have done & become so much that my life was overflowing… ☠️➡️ now? i wonder – HOW MANY TIMES CAN I DIE WHILE I’M ALIVE. how many layers of myself can i SHED. in how many ARENAS can i become a completely different person. how much more juicy & profound can my “la petite morte” (ORGASMS 😏🍯🌶) be. how much can i honor my FLOW as my highest priority. how much can i allow – preferably willingly EMBRACE – my ever evolving, ever unleashing, ever changing self

i’m not losing weight. i’m gaining AGILITY. i’m not tidying my apartment. i’m letting myself be HELD by my home. i’m not actively KILLING my old versions. i genuinely LOVE All The Old Nikis; they got me to today! i’m intentionally building SPACE for All The New Nikis

that’s my new metric of success… i’ll probably shift that definition someday (soon?) too! 😂

it’s a wild & beautiful dance to want to – be consistent. honor the natural ebb & flow of life. become my “best self.” constantly refine & redefine just WHO exactly that “self” is

i know i may come across as inconsistent, wishy-washy, all over the place. but i think, feel, sense… that FINALLY, i ACTUALLY am who i really AM!… for right now 😅😂🤣

i explore! i listen & act! i run experiments & adjust accordingly! and… ☠️➡️ i hope THIS part of me will NEVER DIE 🥰🔥


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