Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose

My blog is 3 years old today!

Day 1 I talked about “just starting,” and boy am I glad I started it when I did – who knows how long I would’ve delayed, waiting until all conditions were “perfect!” Year 1 I wanted to “keep showing up” in life. Year 2 I focused on “finding balance,” whatever that means. And this year, Year 3, I’m discussing how life shapes our lens, and our lens shapes our life.

I love this photo. I was super groggy after a night shift and audibly gasped when I noticed – the window sticker was casting a gorgeous shadow on the wall with that early morning glow. The more I open my eyes, the more little things I see.

To say that 2020 has been a wild ride is an understatement. I’m not sure if it’s my age (I LOVE being 30 now and am sad that I’ll almost NOT be 30 anymore!), my Saturn Return, or just the unfolding of these unimaginable events – but once you see something, you can’t unsee it. This year feels very much like the time in my early 20s right after I graduated and entered the workforce – I’m growing at an exponential, inarticulable rate, and I can barely keep up with myself. My insides look like a little kid super excited to sprint but his/her body hasn’t quite figured out the mechanics yet, and he/she keeps tripping over his/her cute tiny little feet.

It was a hard pill to swallow, but in my early 20s, I realized that I wore a “positivity mask.” Through much introspection, I traded it in for a more authentic version of myself. In my late 20s, I became and lived as an even more and more unleashed version of myself. And now, this first year of my 30s… I wish I had a word for it… but I’m realizing that I’ve gotten “good” at “being authentic.” I know the buzzwords to say. I know how to write a pretty paragraph, post a pretty picture. I know how to cheer on my Sisters and empower my Brothers. This feels reminiscent of that ol’ “positivity mask.” In this age of vulnerability, it feels like there’s a new… I don’t know… “woke (?!) mask” that we’re all trying to wear.

I value growth. I may actually be addicted to seeking it out. I used to think it was my highest value – but last week, I realized my highest value is actually PEACE. Yeah yeah yeah, we all have peace inside if we dig reeeeally deep down… peace is all that exists… you can access peace anytime. But/and, I believe that peace is something at which you’re constantly chiseling away – like a sculptor slowly shaping art, like a river eternally carving the landscape.

I don’t have the answers. I don’t know that there even ARE any “answers” for which to “search.” Here’s a little summary of some of the things on which I’m currently marinating. It gets a little uncomfortable sometimes, but what is life if not a journey, an expansion, an opening of one’s eyes?

  • It took my wise brother to point this out to me, but – several men HAVE wanted me! I just don’t remember, because I didn’t want THEM!
  • I don’t need to journal and document every single juicy detail. My body remembers what happened.
  • I don’t need the whole story. A moment can have an entire arc within itself and can fully convey an emotion.
  • I do a lot of things in the name of prevention… as if I am playing defense in life, as if I think I can predict what is actually going to happen.
  • My level of gratitude, while I appreciate it (there I go justifying myself again!), is, in a way, keeping me small. (Totally working on this one, stay tuned for more later!)

These are seemingly little things, but I’m learning that they permeate many areas of my life. The more I excavate, the more there is to be explored. It’s like in school – the more you learn, the more you realize how much you just do NOT know and how much more there is to discover. You ask one question, and it leads you to a dozen more.

I don’t feel like I have much clarity while writing this post, unlike all the other ones I’ve written… and I think that’s a GOOD thing. There’s something inside me that’s shifting, changing, evolving. And the process isn’t done yet – I hope it never is. I think I’ve reached a new level where I am okay with NOT being at peace. It’s an odd paradox – the more you accept where you are, the more you are empowered to get to wherever it is you’re going. I don’t know where that is. But I sense that I am well on my way.

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